SINGAPORE: A couple of years ago, on May 6, 2024, The Independent Singapore reported on a first-time employer who felt her maid “doesn’t follow instructions” and “seems to have an attitude” when told to do things a certain way. It sounded minor at first, but small habits have a way of piling up.
The employer shared that her helper kept deep-frying meals almost daily, despite being told otherwise. “We go through a bottle of sunflower oil a week because she would deep-fry everything. We’re not health freaks, but we can’t keep eating fried food.” When told, for a few days, the food was steamed or shallow-fried, but then it went back to deep-frying again.
So here, we see that the tension did not start with deep-fried food. It started with deep-felt expectations. The employer also wanted cooking done once a day, in the morning. The plan was to free up the afternoon, so the helper could focus on the children. That worked briefly, and then the routine slipped back again. Cooking returned to twice a day. The employer found herself handling the children while the helper stayed in the kitchen.
There was also the issue of showers. The helper showered two to three times daily, each time for about 20 minutes. The employer admitted she never raised the matter. “We have never addressed this issue because we did tell her to be clean, but this seems a little excessive.” She added that as a stay-at-home mum with two children, she “barely has time to shower once a day.”
On paper, these look like small domestic disagreements. Oil. Cooking time. Showers. Nothing dramatic, but in a home where routine is structured, when routine shifts, stress follows.
In the comment section, other employers were direct. One said, “These may not sound like serious issues, but small things become big when they accumulate, so it’s best to set boundaries. Communication is important. Have a good talk with your helper, tell her about your concerns, and give her an ultimatum.”
The same commenter added, “I believe you hired a helper to make your life easier and not to have someone to ‘babysit’.”
Another advised calm clarity. “Ma’am, you need to talk to her carefully so that she understands the things she should not do and should do. You are free to tell her everything you want to happen; I’m sure she will understand.”
Some suggested practical fixes. A written menu. A daily schedule. Clear instructions. One commenter suggested: “For the food problem, maybe you can make a table menu for her. It’s much easier for all of you. You can get what you want; she can just cook based on the schedule. No need to think.”
Helpers also weighed in with their comments. On the showers, one said, “I myself shower 3 times a day these days because it’s so hot, and I sweat a lot, especially if I’m doing labour like cleaning and cooking.”
That last comment hints at the deeper issue. What looks like defiance to one person may feel like a normal routine to another. A helper who grew up cooking by deep-frying may see it as efficient. An employer watching her family’s health may see it as careless. One person may view extra showers as a basic comfort in humid weather, while another sees rising water bills and long bathroom breaks. Both sides may feel unheard.
In Singapore, domestic helpers live where they work, further blurring the lines between them and their employers. Employers expect smooth help and cooperation, and helpers expect clear guidance and fair treatment. When instructions are given but not discussed, frustration grows. When feedback is avoided because someone is “non-confrontational,” resentment builds in quiet silence.
The dominant question is: Are expectations stated clearly, or are they just assumed? A home is not a corporate office. There is no HR. No formal review. Everything runs on daily talk. When talk is avoided, tension fills the gap.
This situation goes beyond oil or showers. It is more about alignment. First-time employers often assume common sense is shared. Helpers may assume they are doing their job well unless told otherwise in clear terms.
The employer in this case admitted she dislikes confrontation, but silence can be mistaken for agreement. A few days of change followed by a return to old habits may signal confusion, not defiance.
The advice from others was also consistent: speak up early. Be clear. Write things down if needed. Small gaps, left alone, grow.
In many Singapore households, helpers carry heavy loads themselves, from childcare, cleaning, cooking and emotional labour. Employers juggle work, parenting, and finances. Both sides are tired. Both sides want peace at home.
Expectations and reality between two people often drift apart because each side sees only their own stress. The real test is more than whether a helper deep-fries food. It has a lot to do with whether both can sit down and talk before frustration turns into blame.
In a shared home, clarity is not harsh. It is one of the kindest things you can do for yourself and your helper.
Read related: Employer says their maid “doesn’t follow her instructions and has an attitude when she tells her to do things a certain way”
