SINGAPORE: We don’t always like to admit it, but money can put a real strain on a relationship. It might start out feeling like a romance movie, full of love and grand gestures. But over time, financial differences alone can drive a wedge between two people who care about each other.
Take, for example, a Singaporean couple who ended up parting ways after the gap between their finances became too big to ignore.
The man, who shared his story online, said that after they graduated from university, his girlfriend quickly landed a job paying S$7,000 a month and became the breadwinner of her family. He, on the other hand, struggled to find work. Applications went unanswered, interviews didn’t pan out, and his savings gradually dwindled.
As a result, his girlfriend took on the responsibility of paying for most of their dates. At first, it seemed manageable, but as the months passed and his job search dragged on, the arrangement began to weigh on her.
Eventually, she admitted that the imbalance was bothering her. She told him she felt like “the man” in the relationship, carrying the financial responsibility while he was still trying to get back on his feet.
She also told him things like, ‘she could have dated someone more established and successful, but that she chose him instead because she believed in love over money.’
On certain days, she even wondered aloud if she really made the right decision in picking him as her partner. “To her, these comments were meant to let me know that she was unsatisfied and that they were meant to be some form of motivation.”
“Honestly, I have already given my all in this relationship. I’ve also treated her with the utmost care and respect. I’ve always told her that I would give her the life that she wants, and I just needed time to get there.”
What made it sting more was that things had once been very different. Back in university, when he still had savings, he used to spoil her.
He would plan nice dinners for special occasions, buy her flowers, and surprise her with gifts. He felt that he had shown up for her when he could. Now that he was the one struggling, the dynamic had completely changed.
Two weeks before they eventually broke up, she asked him directly how long he would need to secure a job. He told her three months. She agreed to give him that time, but he sensed that she was already bracing herself for disappointment.
“She told me that she didn’t want to have any regrets by not giving me a chance. For a few months now, our relationship hasn’t quite had the same warmth,” he said.
“We would argue a lot more frequently, and she’d have random outbursts at times. We still had our sweet moments, but everything seemed to hinge on me proving myself and giving her constant reassurances, which became quite draining on top of my current job search.”
In the end, the pressure got to him. He decided to walk away. “A part of me wants to call her and say I was impulsive, but I know that nothing good will come out of it. I just wonder if one day, if we’re both in a better situation, we can start afresh.”
Money talk in relationships
There have been plenty of cases where money becomes the root of tension between couples. And this is why relationship and finance experts often stress the importance of talking about money early on.
This doesn’t mean you need to disclose your exact salary or account for every small purchase. But you should be honest about your core money values.
From there, you can figure out how to adjust and meet in the middle.
Ask the difficult question
According to financial platform Moneygment, everyone has different ideals when it comes to handling shared expenses. Some couples prefer a 50/50 split. Others opt for an income-based ratio, where the higher earner pays more. There are also those who still believe in a more traditional setup, where the man covers most or all of the costs.
Whatever the preference may be, the important thing is to ask. Don’t assume.
Ask the difficult question: how would you like to split the bill in the future?
Open up about your expectations
There have been many couples who fight over expensive dates, vacations, and, believe it or not, even Valentine’s Day gifts, which is why it’s important to talk about these things at the start of the relationship.
Ask them questions like, when do they usually like to receive gifts? If you go on vacation, will you two split the expenses? Or will the higher-earning partner cover them? Also, try to discuss, even if it’s going to be awkward, what would happen if one of you lost your job.
Is the other party willing to shoulder everything? What is going to be the setup?
Discuss your long-term goals
Don’t be afraid to start a conversation about what you both want for the future. These goals can range from something as simple as planning a trip overseas to something as significant as saving for your future home.
Talking about these plans helps you see if you’re headed in the same direction. It also gives your relationship a sense of purpose, because you’re not just thinking about the present. You’re building toward something together.
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