SINGAPORE: An employer has shared her frustration online, saying she feels increasingly worn out trying to manage a sensitive domestic helper who has been with the family for just two months.
“I’m not looking for someone I need to constantly manage emotionally or ‘baby.’ I need someone who can work together with me to keep the household running smoothly,” she wrote in her post on the “Direct Hire Transfer Singapore Maid / Domestic Helper” group on Friday (Mar 20).
“I have a very hectic life to manage. I’m handling my kids and my home largely on my own, and what I truly need is support.”
In her post, the employer outlined several behaviours that have been bothering her. For a start, she said the helper rarely returns greetings or bothers to start them, yet complains if the household is quiet. She also refuses to help with simple tasks, such as carrying items when they come home, and rarely bothers to say thank you or apologise when she gets something wrong.
“Before anyone jumps to assumptions, YES, I do apologise and say thank you to her as much as I expect to receive; it’s basic manners,” the employer stressed.
The employer also pointed to a recurring pattern of behaviour. The helper would appear fine for a week or two, then suddenly become withdrawn or unhappy. At one point, she even posted on social media, saying things like “whatever I do feels wrong,” which left the employer perplexed, as nothing significant had occurred that day.
She added that on the day the post appeared, she had only given a few simple, straightforward instructions regarding household chores.
“At this point, I feel like I’m walking on eggshells. If I don’t say anything, things are not done properly. But if I give even simple instructions, it seems to make her feel like she’s being criticised,” she wrote.
Trying to strike a balance has left her completely drained. She said she has even started keeping quiet just to avoid upsetting the helper, though that has not exactly solved anything either.
“I don’t even know if I’m the employer or she’s the employer now,” she added, half joking. “I’ve reached a stage where I feel mentally exhausted and have started to just tolerate instead of addressing things, because I don’t want her to feel pressured. But this doesn’t feel sustainable. Not only it isn’t sustainable, but it seems like even tolerating isn’t enough now.”
The support and environment provided
The employer said she believes she has been fair in how she treats her helper. “Here’s the environment I provide: she has her own room and can use air-conditioning; she gets 3–4 meals a day (the same food we eat, not leftovers; I even serve her first); if we eat out and she stays home, I pack food back for her (McDonald’s or decent rice with dishes). If she joins us outside, she eats what we eat or orders her own portion.”
As for her duties, the helper is responsible only for housework, with no childcare or eldercare involved. She is not required to do the grocery shopping either. She is given time to rest during the day with full privacy, and the employer added that they often buy snacks and desserts for her.
Beyond that, the employer said she has made an effort to include the helper in outings, bringing her to different places around Singapore and even helping take photos for her.
She had also planned to give her a red packet for Hari Raya, on top of one already given during Chinese New Year, despite her short time in the household, and was considering gifting her a new mobile phone for her birthday in June.
However, given the repeated issues, she admitted she is now hesitant to continue with such gestures, as she does not want to “feel taken for granted.”
“I just don’t understand why there’s a need to post things like ‘whatever I do feels wrong,’ as if I’m a bad employer or someone who is constantly draining you. Maybe it’s also a matter of compatibility; perhaps she might be more suited to a different household environment,” she said.
“Find her replacement and let her go.”
In response to the post, a number of commenters encouraged the employer to terminate the contract.
One person wrote, “Been there. Got the same issue. Super stressful. Just send her home and find a new one. You don’t deserve to be treated that way. It’s crazy how some helpers behave.”
Another echoed this view, stating, “Cut your losses; she’s not a fit for your household. If emotional maturity is not there, it’s like having another child in the home—not worth the stress. Don’t tolerate it; move on, and do not reward subpar performance. Find her replacement and let her go.”
A third user shared, “The moment my helper started showing attitude, I gave her a one-way ticket immediately. As much as we want to be nice, it can also feel suffocating to put up with such an attitude in our home.”
Conversely, some advised the employer to offer the helper one final chance to improve.
“If she’s new in Singapore, she may not be accustomed to ‘these basic manners’ like saying good morning or thank you,” one user said. “If I were you, I’d give her one last chance, discuss this attitude problem of hers with her, and say you’re terminating the contract due to this problem. And see what happens; if she appreciates you and your family’s goodness and kindness, she’ll find her way to change, but if not, it’s time to let her go and move on.”
In other news, an employer took to social media to express her confusion after finding out that her former helper, who requested to “return to her home country” just a week into her job and whom she had returned to the agency, had, in fact, remained in Singapore.
In a post on the r/askSingapore forum on Sunday (March 15), the employer explained that she contacted the agency immediately when the helper said she needed to leave “because of a family emergency.”
Read more: ‘Doesn’t add up’: Employer says maid asked to go home but was later found still in SG
