SINGAPORE: Would you care for a parent who neglected your emotional needs throughout your life? Or would you feel compelled to step up out of unconditional love or a sense of duty, even if the relationship has caused you years of pain?
This is the difficult question one Singaporean man has found himself grappling with.
In a candid post on the r/askSingapore subreddit on Friday (Dec 5), the man shared that both he and his sister have no intention of looking after their mother in her later years. He explained that this decision comes after spending much of their lives dealing with “emotional abuse”, which has deeply affected the way they view their relationship with her.
“All my life, my mum has never cared about my feelings,” he wrote. “It was always her way, what she thinks is best for me.”
He also spoke about how his sister has been affected. According to him, the emotional strain has taken such a toll that she now struggles with her mental health. Although she is still living at home, he shared that she has repeatedly hinted that she plans to move overseas one day.
“She has been showing signs that she will move overseas permanently and not take on the care, not that I disagree with her plans, because my mum is insufferable.”
As for himself, he explained that if his father eventually passes away and he finds himself living alone with his mother, he does not believe he will be able to cope. In such a scenario, he intends to place her in a nursing home, which he views as the most realistic and emotionally safe option for him.
Wondering if this was a good idea, he asked other locals: “Can I just send her to a nursing home when she is old? After all, I do not need to care about her feelings, which is what I learned from her, and I can simply decide what I think is the best care, also based on what I learned from her. She would be properly looked after in a nursing home.”
“Do what is best for yourself.”
In the comments, a number of Singaporean Redditors told him that the decision is ultimately his to make.
One commenter wrote, “Sorry about your childhood and growing up around a parent like that. I don’t think you’re looking for permission. You’re looking to be validated before you make a decision, you probably already have the answer to. And Reddit really isn’t the best place for that.”
Another said, “Having grown up in a neglectful and abusive family, I can understand your thoughts. Do what is best for yourself. While being filial is important, parents have to do their part too.”
“If we had loving parents who guided and protected us well, if we had parents who did not cause danger/fear in us, emotionally hurt us, I believe most children will want to take care of or love their parents. I believe you have done your best as a child. Do what you feel you need to do to protect your sanity and well-being.”
Others, however, pointed out that nursing homes “can be expensive” and suggested he consider hiring a helper when his mother gets older.
Another user added, “To be sent to a nursing home, you need to prove certain factors, e.g. they can’t take care of themselves, etc. Can’t just walk in and check them in like a hotel. Maybe if she has her own house use her savings to get a helper to take care of her? Get your other relatives to visit her etc.”
In other news, a local man has turned to social media after discovering that a close friend of eight years secretly sold his luxury watch worth S$10,000 and blew all the money on illegal online gambling.
Sharing his story on Reddit’s r/askSingapore forum on Sunday (Nov 23), the man explained that because of his hectic work schedule, he often relied on this friend, who was unemployed, to help him sell items on Carousell. In return, he would give him a small commission for each successful sale.
